"It's a funny thing coming home..."

"It's a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes. Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same. You realize what's changed is you"

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

I remember seeing this quote a long time ago, even before I left last September and thinking, "No. Let's not get too carried away. Things won't be that different." I don't think it's entirely true that nothing changes at home. It does. But it's my role in that home that has shifted. What I'm trying to say is, things still feel a little off here. As though I'm still in a jet-laggy haze, even though I've been home long enough to have re-adjusted. But I'm not entirely sure if it's because of the travel fatigue or the real minor differences that make being home not feel the same.

The distance has made me see that life goes on without me. The entire time in France, I found myself wondering what was happening with my family and if I would really be missing out on some major happenings. And then, as I left Grenoble, it all came crashing down on me. I got on the train, waved goodbye to my host family, and sat down. That's when it hit me, their lives will go on. They'll continue to sit down to dinner every night and laugh about the same things, they'll see their oldest son get married this summer, they'll greet summer in Grenoble...and all without me. I know I was only there for 6 months, but it began to feel like that was normal. I finally started to
fit into their funny family dynamic. Life continues and I can't do anything about it.

Now, being here, it's hard to cope with this knowing I'll be leaving again soon. It's entirely too true that, in general, I'm feeling a bit torn. I see these photos of friends graduating and moving on with their lives and I realize, not only did I miss this year in their life, but I won't see them again for a quite some time. That so much happened while I was gone and I really have no idea what it will be like when I finally get back up to Seattle. I'll be down a few friends, but I'll also have the new ones I made in Grenoble.

I feel silly saying that I feel like I've missed out on something when I got to experience some pretty amazing things this last year. It's just that I've come to call so many places home and they're all constantly calling to me.

I went on this same rant with my dad that other night and in the middle of it all he turned to me and said, "You have to ask yourself, what am I experiencing now?" Here and now. It's something I need to focus more on. I need to appreciate where I am, regardless if that's at home, in another country or in another city. I am here, now, with people that I love, in a beautiful part of the country. And while I can reminisce about the things I saw and the people I connected with, I need to break from the train of thought where I can't help asking, "What am I missing? What would I be doing if I were there? What are they doing without me?"